No matter what state your finances are in, you won’t fail. SB guarantees that.
1. Help the economy by spending all you can.
Haven’t you heard that spending helps the economy? The more you spend, the more sellers earn. Their family depend on your money. Be a philanthropist and help the cause. Don’t worry about your income. You’re a genius; you’ll earn later in life. Apply for a credit card and charge it – and make sure you have a high limit. If not, apply for a few more cards.
You know you need to look good all the time. Your clothes are old; even your neighbor’s dog hates your clothes. Try new ones now. Go to the mall, they run sale all the time. Don’t buy cheap. See, that fellow walking ahead of you? Get clothes like his.
Don’t forget to buy a few pair of shoes before they are out of stock; it’s your last chance! With cash, you can’t spend much without emptying your wallet, don’t carry cash. Charge all your shopping to credit cards. Get this list of things to spend on. You only need to pay the minimum due. You are not poor, so you can easily pay that much, can’t you?
Don’t forget to get some beer on the way home, drink and enjoy looking at new possessions.
2. Help friends in need
This is the ultimate cause – don’t let go. Is your girlfriend’s (or boyfriend’s) cousin struggling with tuition fees? Offer to help. Place yourself higher in his/her eyes. Take out cash advance from your credit cards. Take out only enough to cover one semester, wait, and check cousin’s grades before doling out more. Don’t give out all at once.
Jones next door has a problem with roofing. You loan him some money only after he promises to repay within a few days. Once the roof is done, invite him for some beer. He’ll thank you throughout the conversasion. That should give you more reasons to help others. Look out!
3. Screw the budget.
Budgets are for poor people. You don’t need one. Life’s short, so you should enjoy it while it lasts. Get your hands on the latest iProduct before Barry gets one. Go eat out, take it easy, leave the parking to valets. Loudly order the most expensive wine. Whine if they don’t have it. Everybody in the restaurant should give you attention.
Don’t miss any concerts or musical albums. It’ll look great on your shelves next to all your prized possessions. If you happen to have a budget, don’t worry. You have a credit card! You can go on a tight budget later to compensate.
Menu plans? Mentally sort a restaurant menu according to price in descending order. The top 10 is your menu plan for the week. Next week try another restaurant. If you’re too full, grab a can of beer and take a walk.
4. Be a party man (or woman)
This is the ‘in’ thing these days. Work hard and party hard should be your mantra. Sunday night football with all you can eat pizza. Why not every Sunday? Be the generous host. Plan to split the bill, but its your home, so you should just pay the pizza delivery man from your pocket. Should you ask your friends for such a small amount of money? Come on, you’re the host!
Friday evening is the right time to go bar hopping. Strips clubs are great for men. Come on, man, have a good time. Enjoy all the good things on Friday night. You know what I mean? Girls at strip clubs give special attention to regular visitors with deep pockets, I heard.
On the Fridays you don’t feel like going out or don’t have company, get some chilled beer and share it with Emma’s grandma. Hear some frugal stories about the great recession. Be motivated to spend!
5. Andy got a new car, you should too
Remember how impressed your girlfriend was by that shining new car? You are a better earner than Andrew, how long will you drive your clunker? Buy a new issue of Car and Driver, then test drive all the new models before making a decision. Nobody cares if you don’t own a luxury car.
Imagine how Jones’ wife would look at you the next time you drive past her. Feeling motivated? Buy an expensive one, looks are what matters most. Get some beer to celebrate!
6. Go on a world trip
Depending on your credit limit, choose between Europe or South America. Take your girl/boyfriend with you. Make sure you get enough leg room on a long haul flight. Business class has good space for travelers. You don’t want to feel half exhausted before reaching your destination, do you?
Life is not full without seeing some of the spectacles of the world.
Every chance could be your last chance to stay at a five-star hotel in city ‘A’ or city ‘B’, don’t lose it. Remember to ask for a great (ocean/tower/lake/sea/hill view room. Minibar is a must have.
After all the tours and sightseeing activities, at night, get a beer from minibar and enjoy the view from your hotel room. Ah, Life!
still some money left?
7. Play the lotto regularly
Do you know that, every hour, someone somewhere is winning a lottery? Buy a ticket when that girl looks at you or the neighbor’s dog didn’t bark at you, may be your’s just lucky that day. Your boss had praise for you today? Buy a ticket. A guaranteed way to kingship is through that little piece of paper.
Buy lottery tickets regularly. The more you buy, the higher the probability of you winning. Buy 7 tickets per week – one for each day. If you win a little something, that’s your beer money. If you don’t, you need just a bottle to forget about it, wait for the next day.
Learn these techniques and apply them to your day-to-day debt-free life, you can live happily in debt ever after. Your credit rating will be one less thing to worry about. Who needs financial freedom anyway? You just need some beer.
Nobody will give you a job? Go begging at the traffic lights. God listens to all, so some money should come out of the car windows. If you don’t get a girl, I have seen beggars of all genders on the road. Hook up!
Readers, this post was not composed after a beer overdose. I am in my fully sane self. Now that I finished it, I need some beer. Until next post…